Guilt

* Steph, you might just want to scroll to the pictures at the end. This is loong.

The emotional roar that was Sunday.

I didn't get to go to church because Elise wouldn't nurse before I left. This meant she would be hungry while I was gone and we have not introduced a bottle yet. No big deal. But, it became one. I wanted to go to church. I needed to go to church. I wanted our whole family to go to church. The doctor has advised not getting Elise out and about until her two month shots due to this being a very "sickly" winter. Sigh. I understand, I do. But then the guilt began to flood in.

I felt guilty for just thinking of myself and what a long six weeks it will be just being at home with the girls.

I felt guilty for messing up Amelia's fun schedule of playdates and gym and storytime, etc. She will just have to be at home and not getting to do all the things she loves.

I felt guilty for even worrying about such a thing when there are people who would love to have two healthy and precious girls at home.

I felt guilty for leaving Amelia with Mom and Dad and guilty for not giving Elise the undivided attention Amelia had when she was born.

Yes, I realize how ridiculous this is as I type it out. Maybe that is why I type it all out...to look at it in black and white and know that it is okay to admit what I am feeling. To know that it is not okay to just wallow in the guilt. To know that I need to pray to clear my mind and focus on my blessings.

I don't give my husband enough credit. Yes, he tells dumb jokes that no one gets and yes his schedule annoys the fire out of me. But, he listens to me. He is sensitive. He lets me wail about missing church when I already had my dress on and makeup done and he acts like he truly understands why I am so upset. He looked at me as I sobbed that our schedule was so different now with a newborn and he quietly said, "In a few months, this different won't be different." And he's right of course. He told me what a good job I was doing and how Elise would soon see how lucky she was to have me for a mom. It would be hard to say that convincingly and lovingly to a woman with mascara running down her cheek and snot not far behind. But he did.

So, I have been here at home with our newest Little Bug and it has been fun. I have doted on her and held her too much and wondered what her personality will be like. I have missed her sister and told her how much fun the two of them will have together. It has been a great two days and time to myself well spent. I left the guilt and just lounged.

The funny thing is that my mom and Meme (the two smartest women in the world) both told me that it would be good for me to leave Amelia for a few days after Elise was born and just bond with Elise and rest when she rests. I told them, "NO WAY. I will NOT need or want to do that." Heh.