Diarrhea of the Brain

Edit: My devotional verse was Psalm 40:3 today. I read it minutes after I wrote my post.

"He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God."

I am thankful for a new song of praise. I am drowning in a sea of things to be thankful for. And, just because I acknowledge fears I am having does not overshadow or erase this fact. SO, for the rest of the afternoon, I will be singing a new song.

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Diarrhea is a really hard word to spell.

My brain is working overtime today. So is my gallbladder. This will just be a spew of thoughts. Some stinky. Some running together. Some painful to admit. But, I will feel better when it is over.

Today has been hard. Amelia had a breakdown today and wouldn't stop crying. It was like she had no idea what it stemmed from and was just crying and confused. She finally told me, "Meme and Pop's house." I told her we couldn't go there right now and then she told me, "Gammy holds Ingrid." Ah...so, she is realizing the baby is very close to coming and maybe a few jealousy issues are coming out about Ing too--or just babies in general. She then said amidst tears, "Me Mommy's baby." Okay, cue my heart breaking.

Amelia is very perceptive. There is no telling what thoughts she is trying to process in her head. I know that after Elise gets here, things will be very different. Today, I just decided maybe too different. Our schedule will be messed up, Amelia might feel resentful, she will definitely act out, she will miss playing with her friends while I recover from surgery, and I might fold under the pressure. Of course it is taboo to say these things because obviously many couples long for a child and we are blessed enough to have another on the way. In fact, one of my dearest friends is one of those couples. But, that doesn't erase the fear I am feeling right now. Even if it is fleeting, today is a hard day. I don't want to cheat Amelia. Nor do I want to cheat Elise. I haven't even spent the energy I want to spend being excited about her arrival because I am spending so much energy worrying about Amelia. A friend that knows me too well sent me this a few weeks ago just as these feelings were stirring up.

And are you having panic attacks yet about if you will be cheating baby # 1 when you have baby # 2? and how in the world will you possibly be able to love another living being half as much as you love Amelia? (I panicked all the way to the hospital and all the hours before Adam was born-worried for months before.) It will be miraculously okay.

Yes, it will miraculously be okay. We will be a family of four and I will love my girls so much that my heart can barely contain it. I remember writing a post around week four of Amelia's life and I was wondering what I had gotten into. Things were tough. I was exhausted. Parenting seemed bleak. And now, as I look at my fears the second time around, I can't help but laugh. Things have surely changed. How wonderfully and fulfillingly they have changed.

So, this is just the beginning of a new journey--new tears, new victories, and new challenges. I pray Amelia is so blessed with Elise's presence that she can never imagine her life without her. The same way that I feel about Stephanie. I always called her my built in best friend and she is that to this day.

I'm still terrified. My stomach is gurgling a bit. The tears aren't totally gone. But, I do feel better. Thanks for listening.

As Jaimi told me via text, "Some of this is hormones." Ding. Ding. Ding.

As I told Jaimi, "I hope a LOT of this is hormones."

Amelia told me the following before nap, "Me happy now Mom." Then she planted a big smooch on my nose and said, "Sticker on boob?" How did she know a Dora sticker on my boob would make everything okay? Man, I love her. And Elise Mae, I love you too, with the same fierceness.