Oprah, how could you?

So, following the days of giving birth, I said that I was going to write a book called, The Things They Didn't Tell You, and it was going to have all the crazy things about becoming a mom that no one bothered to share with me. Well, imagine my surprise when I flipped the channel to watch Oprah and her show was titled, "What they didn't tell you about Motherhood." The WHOLE show was devoted to moms just dropping the judgment and being honest about all the feelings associated with the hormonal overdrive of giving birth. UGH...she stole my whole idea and I no longer feel interested in compiling my thoughts for this aforementioned book. Thanks Oprah.
(although, I did love the show and completely related).

Some weird things that I do now:
1. watch CMT with closed captioning on and sing all the songs to Amelia like I know the words
2. sing Christmas songs to Amelia, but put other words to the tunes
3. look forward to my showers
4. only think of what clothes to wear based on how easy it would be to nurse in it
5. stare at Amelia after I get her to sleep instead of being productive

We are going back to Harrison for Easter and I cannot wait. Lately, I've been thinking. And let me tell you, I have always been a thinker. However, when I sit and rock my precious baby for hours on end, I have a LOT of time on my hands and I just can't help but wonder, "Why me?" "Why am I so blessed?" I wasn't even trying to get pregnant and there was the positive test. I prayed for a healthy baby and I got one. I can't think of anyone I would rather spend time with than my family. I have an incredible job and a wonderful place to live. I have a husband that most women could only dream of having. Yes being a mom has been challenging, and yes, things have changed dramatically. Yes, I am fighting that urge to be selfish, and yes, I realize the above list sounds generic. It isn't though. I really feel all of those things.

So, why me? I have even started feeling guilty about some of these blessings when I hear of others that are suffering. Then, I become fearful of their fleetingness. Ridiculous. The Lord wants me to be appreciative of the blessings he pours out and then bestow blessings on others. Satan wants me to feel guilty and fearful. It has been impossible to have a focused quiet time with Amelia here (or perhaps I haven't been purposeful in my time) and I need to get in gear. I felt so close to God in the operating room that it was SO worth it to have a C-section. However, I have been so focused on her and her needs that I am definitely not giving God his time. This is my new goal--to reconnect.

Oh and my other goal is obviously to get in shape. Sigh. 11 months of not working out. I get winded pushing the stroller. Gross. Love.