Amelia's Musings

Amelia has been asking a ton of questions about Heaven recently and it really makes me uncomfortable.  Meme responded best with, "Why?  That is a great thing to talk about."  And, although I know that is the right answer, it just isn't the way I feel.  Of course, how can she begin to know the Lord and understand what all he did for us and what is waiting for us if I don't answer all her questions?  I begin to feel uneasy and think that I am answering them wrong or telling her too much.  Or too little.  We have been having many of these conversations lately:

"When do you think I will go to Heaven?"
Silent in front seat.  Most of these conversations occur while driving.
"Mom?  Do you hear me?  When do you think I will meet Jesus?"
Eyes welling up with tears because I hope not until she is 100.  
"Well...only Jesus knows when that day will be.  We don't know."
"Hmm.  I am just going to have fun and wait down here till he comes then."

And that was that.  We then started talking about how she wants to be a princess doctor when she grows up.  But, all the conversations lately have weighed heavily on my mind.  As all things do.  Fear will always be my vice.  It will always be my daily.  The daily struggle that I have to commit to fighting EACH morning or it will create a foothold.  And things will spiral.  The Lord has allowed me to grow in this area and I realize that many times, I just allow the perfect breeding ground for fear to thrive.  I look at sad articles and read about rare diseases and have the type of mind that reads and dwells further.  

All my years of worrying about death have been exhausting.  I'm always anxious and terrified that something awful will happen to the people I love.  Everyone will pass away at some point.  Even my three year old knows that, "Everyone we love will see Jesus one day."  And, I am honestly going to continue this path of trying to fight this fear.  He is using her to push me to talk about it and think about it; this I know.
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It is my favorite thing to just delve into conversation with Amelia.  You never know what you are going to get. A song came on the radio about being happy and when it was over, I asked Amelia what made her happy.  She said, "Oh definitely Jake."

M:  "The show on Disney Junior?"
A:  "Yes, I love that show so much."
M:  Wow, deep.
A:  "But, I also love our sweet family and the beautiful green trees.  Oh, and cupcakes.  And swimming."
M:  "I love all those things too my sweet girl."
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Lately she has also been contemplating the concept of minding.  She was discussing this with me the other morning and saying that even though she knows what to do, sometimes she just doesn't want to.  I got tickled because that is the case for me many days.  I explained to her that sometimes we don't like to be obedient, but we are called to be.  As I realized how many things I struggle with discipline wise, I gave her a few examples.  I thought our convo went well until she said this a few minutes later (while I was reminding her to hanging on the door handle), "Well, Mom, I really want to mind, but I just like doing what I am doing.  Okay?"  Sheesh.