Tough Stuff

I don't try to paint an idyllic picture when I blog.  The words that I type out aren't essay worthy or award winning- just me trying to capture some memories, accompanied by pictures.  Memories that I hope my daughters read one day and say, "Oh, I remember that!"  or "That is such a special moment to me!"  The moments my word and camera capture are usually happy.  Joyous.  Filled with laughter.  That is the kind of people we are.  My kids and I are passionate and easily excited; loud, boisterous.  I want them to find fun in the mundane because that is how I was raised.  My Meme told me once that being bored is not an option if you have a good brain in your head.  My mom supported me as my sister and I created an entire (fake) business in our basement one summer and we spent hours each day selling our (fake) inventory to (fake) people.  I can remember our client list, the name of our business, and when I close my eyes I can see us down in our dimly lit basement doing inventory and making payroll.  I am getting very off track, but all this is to say that I loved my childhood and I strive to duplicate that feeling for my daughters as well. 

So, yes, most of the things I blog about are happy, but that is not to say life is without challenges.  Parenting is getting tougher.  Like, way tougher.  My parenting worries have moved away from teething, nursing, talking, and sleep drama (well, a bit) and shifted to things that are rocking my world.

Amelia and I had several long, laborious talks last week about her tone of voice and 14 year old attitude.  Some of her answers have been short and some of her words have been hurtful.  I have noticed new behaviors involving crossed arms and pursed lips and as I went over these things she explained that one of her friends at school does these and she thought she would try them.  This led to another conversation about not copying people and their behavior unless it is something kind.  Which led to a conversation about picking friends carefully and discussing that we maintain our standard of behavior even when their behavior is off course with ours.

Which led to this, "Well, ok, so you are saying don't be friends with anyone that isn't perfect?  I think I need to find new friends.  Or, I will just play by myself to make sure I don't copy any bad behavior."- Amelia.

Okay.  Mega fail.  One night last week after Amelia and Elise were in bed, I just went over and over my conversations.  Wondering what I could have said differently.  Stressing about future conversations to come.  Praying for guidance and wisdom.  Desperately wanting my girls to just love the Lord first and foremost and make wise choices.  And although this definitely isn't the first time I have had this thought, it is the first time in a while that I have been forced to think about just how hard this is.  Just how big this responsibility is.  Just how much I want for these two.

Man do I love the dresses and shoes and glitter headbands and sledding and swimming and leaf picking.  I live for the picnicking and coloring and dirt digging.  I get giddy for SDC, the zoo, Jumping Joeys, and dinner out.  But none of that is this kind of hard. 

Praying for wisdom and thankful for grace.  And she's just four.