Writing

Sometimes, I feel like I have forgotten how to write.  Without the #hashtags and without the pictures and cute captions.  Just write.  With nothing else aiding or distracting.  Just my thoughts- revealing me.  What am I feeling inside without refreshing Facebook or racing off to watch a show on my overloaded DVR? Why am I not wanting to do the very thing I love to do?

When things are going well for me, I don't tend to write as much in-depth.  It is easier for me to release burdens and pains and worries.  Words of confusion and struggle flow quicker for me than those of joy and happiness.  And at the very core of me, I know why.  I don't want it to escape out into the universe how happy I am for fear that something will snatch it from me.  Once I have said and announced how my heart cannot contain the love and joy that I feel each MINUTE, there is fear that chases the release of that information.  Fear that it is now out there for all to hear and at any moment, my time will come to experience tragedy.  With me, it always boils down to fear.  Fear makes me want to delete this entire paragraph and forget about posting it. 

God doesn't operate that way and I know it. He doesn't wait for us to do or say particular things and then strike us down.  His ways are not my ways and that is what makes it difficult to try to figure Him out; he doesn't want us to.  And when I hear stories that shake my very core, I bury my head and weep for those people.  Those families.  Those children.  Those parents.  I wonder why.  I pray for them and my heart breaks for them, but selfishly I beg that it not happen to me.  To my family.  My children.  My parents.

But even if it does, he loves me no less.  Nothing was intended to come my way because I let the world know that my blessings are abundantly more than I could ever ask for.  And that is one thing I do know for sure in this world of very little absolutes.  Although it is tough for me to navigate through Christianity at times, the Lord stands on the absolute of loving us more than we could imagine.  Loving us through our sin and shame and never wavering in the call that we can come back to him when we have strayed.  Standing absolute in helping us admonish our fears; whatever they may be and however trivial they might sound.

I honestly thought by now, at 32, I would have more figured out than I do.  That my faith would falter less and ultimately that I would have fewer questions.  It seems that I have MORE questions and in a way, I think that signals my growth.  The birth of my sweet girls brought about more feeling and emotion than I ever knew I could contain, and with that; questions. 

This doesn't flow seamlessly and is a bit jumbled, but man- I feel better.  And consider this a virtual shout it from the rooftops---- I AM HAPPY.  Things are not perfect and neither am I, but I AM BLESSED AND HAPPY AND JOYFUL.