Tough Conversations

I am devastated by the news of the school shooting in Connecticut, as is the rest of the world.  There is no explanation, no reasoning, and no investigating that will make it better or help the families heal.  Only the love and grace of God.  And in times like this, it seems that grace cannot fall fast or heavy enough to cover the graveness of the situation.  But, it does.  Somehow, just enough covers these families to allow them to put one foot in front of the other.  To address the nation in incredibly brave news conferences. To put out press releases of thankfulness for the nations' prayers.  I am so grateful that I do not have to tell my kids about this.  We don't have to have a conversation about being afraid of guns or going to school.  However, there are parents all over that are having to have those conversations.  I pray that they have the right words and that when I am faced with a tough topic in the future, that I can deliver a sense of peace to my children.

All those beautiful babies.  It makes me feel so sick.  I am tempted to go into my normal anxiety mode when something like this happens.  When something so monumental and tragic occurs, I want to retreat.  To fear.  To contemplate and analyze.  To question.  I want to obsess over it and cry and stay up late staring at my children.  However, today, I got a grip.  I prayed for the families when I thought of them, but I did not allow Satan to steal the joy of being at home with my girls.  As I looked at their beautiful faces today while we were painting, I simply smiled.  Smiled at our day in our jammies.  Smiled at the beauty of watercolor.  Lots of smiling.

Thankful for every brushstroke today.  Every hug and kiss.  So thankful.

Christmas Program 2012

Amelia was SO excited about her Christmas Program.  I was EVEN MORE excited about her Christmas Program.  Have I mentioned how much I love this school???  It makes me super sad we won't be here next year for her to move up.  Here is the little diva all dressed up before we left.

Elise was very proud of her sister.  She kept running around saying, "SISSY'S SHOW."

  
Gammy and Gampy, G and Pa, and Ross, Elise and I were on the FRONT row to watch the show.  They sang three songs on the stage and Amelia did fabulous on all three.  You could hear her sweet voice and she knew all the words and motions. 

 

 Then she went to change into her costume for the innkeeper's wife.  Mrs. Lisa did a great job of making everyone feel important and Amelia ran with that. "MY role is the MOST important.  Without ME and MY light to show the way, baby Jesus would have had NO place to be born."  Look at her precious smile when she came back out and saw us.

Mrs. Lisa's daughters came to help and watch and Amelia is just enamored with Sophie, the oldest.  She "helped" Amelia get her costume on and off. 

Amelia and Lila

G and Pa came back to see our Christmas decorations and it was just a wonderful night.  

I couldn't stop smiling the entire night.  It was a 20 minute Christmas program, but it felt like the Grammy's.  It is such a special thing that the Lord created- that bond between parent and child. My cheeks hurt from smiling and couldn't stop telling her how awesome she did.  Love you Buzzy Bee!  Thanks so much to the grandparents for driving up!

Halsted Christmas

The Halsted side of the family always meets the first weekend of December or so for some food and fun in Marshall and as soon as we got there, Amelia headed straight for the guesstimation jars.  She loves guessing how many items are in the jars and she even WON the money in the money jar by guessing $14.  Go BEE.

Writing down her guesses

Jessalyn and her new boyfriend Brandt.  The girls are warming up to him.

 

Elise stuck to Pa most of the time since she didn't remember many of the people there

Lost track of how many cookies she grabbed off the dessert table

It was such a nice day and the girls had fun playing outside.

LOL.  Cutest little legs and buns.

Amelia passed out the ornaments that her and Elise made at the pottery studio.  She was BEYOND excited.

It was a really fun afternoon full of Christmas cheer!  (Ross and Mammaw were both there, but somehow I didn't get a picture of them.  Oh, and I was there too, hehe).

North Pole Here We Come (sort of....)

Barbara has wanted to take the girls on the Polar Express train the last few years, but it has never worked out and I am honestly glad we waited until this year because they both really loved it.  I still think it is pretty expensive, but G and Pa paid so we were all happy campers.  Thanks!!!  It ended up that we could all go on G's real birthday and the weather was so beautiful that evening.  We weren't too chilly at all and walked down to The Landing to look at the tree and fountains before the train started its trek to the North Pole.  The girls put on a great show and danced to the Christmas music.  They had a blast and there was a little crowd watching them too.

When it was time to get on the train, the wait was a little long. It took a while to call our car and Amelia decided that she was scared of the train's loud engine.  We talked her out of being scared and Elise could have cared less about the noise, but she was definitely tired of standing there.  Once we made our way to the train, all that was forgotten and we settled into our dome.  We were lucky enough to sit upstairs and we had an awesome view.  The attendant in our car kept saying we were going to the North Pole and Buzzy was very skeptical. She kept insisting there was no snow on the ground and there was absolutely no way we were at the North Pole.   I finally had to suck all the fun out of it and say were were just pretending.  This seemed to satisfy her.  Sheesh.

 We read the book and had hot chocolate and cookies and got to see the Branson Trail of Lights on the way back through.  Fun!!  Amelia and Elise were receptive to Santa and didn't act crazy and afraid like we had anticipated.  He gave them jingle bells (like in the book) and they were fit to be tied.

It was a fabulous experience and the girls talked about it for daysss after. AND there was snow as we got off the train.  We brought a little of the "North Pole" back with us.

Turkey Times Three

Little Turkey 2010

Bigger Turkey 2011

Big Turkey 2012

One of the things that I never expected when I became a mom, was how many memories are attached to your kids' clothing.  I love this turkey dress on my Buzzy and this was the last year that it will fit her.  I was so excited as we picked out this dress and Gammy ordered it for her.  She has looked adorable in it for three years and I can't bear to get rid of it, haha.

Structure

I am a structured play kind of mom.  I am actually a structured everything.  I like schedules and calendars and planning and board games and playing birthday party with the dollhouse.  I like playing instruments and pretending we are in a marching band or playing stuffed animals while sneaking in an alphabet lesson.  I love playing with my girls and watching their imaginations emerge.  I learn so much while they talk for their dolls or are sympathetic for their stuffed animals.  Even when I didn't have kids, I liked certain times set aside for certain things.  It makes me feel calm.  One little thing that I have control over in this great big world. The way I spend my days and my time. 

There is nothing wrong with this. 

However...

As I see how much fun my girls have with their dad doing absolutely- for lack of a better word- nothing, it calls to attention some areas in which I can improve on my mothering journey.  We don't always have to be doing something.  Especially when the girls are this little.  Structure and schedules will dictate our lives soon enough and it is completely fine for them to just spend time running up and down the halls without me stepping in and setting up a pretend race complete with ribbons.  Just let 'em run. 

That is why I love going to the park and going on bug hunts or leaf walks.  It is a place where I allow myself to not feel huge pressure to be fun, and educational, and creative, and exciting, and on and on.  They just run around and giggle and we swing and slide.  Now that it is getting colder, and we are indoors more, I feel that need to schedule every minute of play time glaring over my shoulder. 

Yesterday we just bounced a bouncy ball for 30 minutes and laid in the living room floor talking about rainbows. This whole concept might seem insane to those with a free spirit and a general dislike for living by the clock.  Some people feel no need to jump from activity to activity, but that is the delightfulness of mothering--everyone does it differently.  Sometimes when I examine ways in which I can improve upon the way I guide these sweet girls, I become defeated and feel that this job is SO hard and there are SO many ways I can mess it up.

Working on that too.

I love that I am structured.  I love that we do purposeful learning activities.  I love that I work hard to intertwine fun in all we do and that I am intentional with my girls.  But there is always room for improvement.  Finding ways to improve does not mean that we have been doing something wrong.  I simply am working at making a little change.  Always room for at least one craft that isn't directed with a purpose.  Or some time in the afternoon to just giggle and tickle and do "nothing."  Always some time to just release the pressure to be the MOST FUN MOM IN THE WORLD and just tell the girls to play alone a bit.

And so, I will continue to work on this and so many other things.  It is an ever-changing role with ever-changing challenges.  I am just so thankful that one thing I can confidently say that I've got in the bag is loving Amelia and Elise to the very tips of my toes.  I love them fiercely and unconditionally and thank God for them a million times a day.

Thankful

I am thankful for this precious girl and her spunk.  She is my little shadow and it is so humbling to be her mom.  I often forget that God chose her specifically for me and knew of her existence long before I ever dreamed it up.  How lucky I am to be Amelia Claire's mom and have the opportunity to shower her with love and empower her with tools to be the best that she can be.  Thankful barely seems to skim the surface.  She is my first-born, analytical, sensitive, sassy, curious, passionate, hilarious three and a half year old and I am so thankful for the difference she has made in my life. 

Elise Mae Halsted has taught me so much about faith.  I am so thankful for her boisterous personality and the fact that she finds herself so funny (we do too).  She is always happy and laughing and is so good for my soul.  I am thankful that she continues to guide me in living more freely and worrying less.  She is tiny, but her personality is bigger than life and her crinkle nose smile cheers even the darkest day.  How blessed I am to have her as a daughter and I pray that I can show her Christ's love above all and nurture that adventurous nature of hers.  She is my second-born stubborn, adorable, loving, funny, fearless, energetic ALMOST two year old and I am so thankful for every single second of those almost two years. 

I remember very vividly one Thanksgiving where I went to use the bathroom and just could not come out.  I was pouting and sad and in a pool of self-pity.  It seemed unfair that all of my friends had husbands and I didn't.  I longed for a man that would accept me for me and be a lover of God.  For what seemed like forever, I sat in there on that cold toilet while my precious family was laughing and talking in the living room.  I pulled it together and looked myself sternly in the mirror-- demanding that I count my blessings (which were so plentiful and overflowing that it is embarrassing) and marched myself back out for our fun gathering.  There were many moments like this that I remember.  I often had to slap myself back to the reality of the amazing life that I had and remind myself to LIVE IT.  The desire to marry and have a family were still strong and present, but I prayed through those rough patches and kept striving to loosen my grip on obsessing about that dream.

And then, there he was.  A tall, shy, Godly, handsome, intelligent, analytical, fabulous man waiting just for me.  And when I realized that he was the one I would share my life with, I exclaimed to God that I had found him!!  Which was silly because I hadn't really found anything at all.  He had been there, getting ready for me all along.  He loved my loud, opinionated, passionate self and all my worry soon was lost in the shuffle of wedding plans.  But, in this season of thanks, I wanted to remember those hard times.  I don't want to gloss over them.  This precious family is a huge answered prayer.  I want that girl holding back sobs on the toilet from Thanksgivings past to look at this picture and realize what fountains of blessings this photo holds.  So thankful.  Eternally thankful.

Thanksgiving-- So much thanks to give

Thanksgiving morning, Ross had to work, so we just drove to Harrison to lounge with Mom and Dad and watch the Macy's Parade in our jammies.  Ross had such a positive attitude about working that I was honestly okay with him not being there.  He does such a great job of being present when he is with us-- actively playing with the girls and letting me know he appreciates me- that it is easier to handle when he is gone.  Thankfully Mom and Dad live so close and it is just a quick trip away.  I NEVER take that for granted.  

Relaxing Gampy

Looking at Black Friday ads

Haha

Sliding

Cooking with Gammy

Big helper

 Friday morning the girls helped Gammy cook a little and then we went to play at Aunt Steph's while she made the rest of our yummy feast.  Ross came down that morning to join us and I was a very happy camper. 

There was some playing

And smothering

And sharing

And snacking

And hair fixing

And loving

And mothering

And some laughing

 We had a great day and a wonderful meal on the way that evening.  I just love these four girls so much.  It makes me giggle just watching them all together.